I think.. there is a chance, that I have figured it out. 22 years of being wonderfully happy and loved and blessed, but slightly and confusingly blurred for some reason. Today, as I woke up at 4:30 AM with the inability to fall back into my imagination-dreamy unconscious state, everything went into focus. I realize.. or maybe I just finally payed attention to the subtitles or something... there is clarity to my situation. Before I verbalize my epiphany, let me preface by saying that I have done a lot. I have been given the world's most amazing family. God has painted a beautiful picture for my life so far. My parents love me and have always been so obedient to him, and therefore have been living lives of worship which has completely benefitted me in every way. Because of their obedience, I live in a world that has highlighted what is actually true. I was told as a little girl, and absolutely believe and know to be true today that Jesus created me, loves me, and is what gives me purpose. My sisters are my best friends. They are each individually so fantastic and fun and creative and are each great at their own things but also share a common denominator of being a certain kind of awesome that attracts all kinds of people... and boy, God has given the most perfect gifts of people in every place that He has moved us. I have been given a heart that loves people, and talents that are not of myself, nor have they been acquired ... but have been given and entrusted to. I had pretty good grades, never seriously screwed up in any of the areas that are screw up-able, but not because I am any better than any other person. I have listened to excellent advice and repeated it to others. I followed my childhood understanding and dream to be a Bible college girl. I have fallen in love with worship somewhere along the way. That's my story so far. Minus a few pretty defining moments such as missions trips, best friends, boys, (ya know..) stuff like that. All of my life I have been so blessed to have heard exactly what every person needs to hear. I knew all of it to be true, and lived my best accordingly, but I promise you that it has almost been like that was not enough because I have always felt like I needed to understand it all or define it in some way that would give my future or maybe even just me, Katie, clarity. Like, for instance... I thought that I had to become a certain standard to be able to acquire a boy interest that would then give me all of the necessary qualities such as; security, adventure, happiness, maturity, and (I'm pretty sure the underlying and big bold massive quality that the others can be categorized under: ...) contentment. Seriously, there have been uncountable conversations about who and what this person is, what he would be like, look like, what I would and wouldn't dare to "settle for", what would complement me the most and vice versa. I have subconsciously and consciously (if that is even possible) been waiting for the "blurry picture" to come into focus with that special boy someone to be in the center of the focused picture. I could literally carry on for paragraphs that would most likely sound extremely annoying or like something out of a christian girls seventeen magazine. If it wasn't the boy, then it was my ministry/calling/future that I thought would give me the clarity, and contentment that I was seeking. Surely, becoming something like all of the fellow God reflectors that I idolized and looked up to would give me the keys that I needed to focus the blurry picture that I so badly crave(d) to see. To be an Ed Trinkle, Brooke Fraser, Anthony Milas, Joel Houston, Karen Sawyer, Wesley Beacham kind of a golden person would be IT. I feel so silly right now. Well guess what. I get it. and it makes all of the current feelings of confusion, embarrassment, stress, mediocrity, insecurity, and discontentment fade away. Like points in a hungry day on weight watchers. ( I will probably regret that analogy later.) Here it is. I am focusing the blurred picture to Jesus. I am not going to worry about whether or not my 2 years in Boston made sense, I am not going to try to get to Hillsong to be able to be good enough to conjure true solid and God-glorifying worship (whatever that even means..) I am not going to wait around or worry about the qualities of the guy that I thought and think that I need, I am not going to worry about how long I am going to be living in my parents house, I am not going to worry about what is next in my life and what to do where to go who to connect with, I am not going to seek affirmation, I am not going to compare myself to anything other that the one who Created me, I am not going to feel a need for anything other than what I have in Jesus. Here is what is true about right now... I am His. Nothing else matters. I have said that many times, and have genuinely meant it-but right now I am going to mean and it and live it. To live life is such an awesome gift. I am going to live like it is the best gift that I have ever recieved. I am going to be STOKED! I am stoked. Even like... dieting. I am happy. (that is not a statement in the pursuit of convincing myself .. its real) I feel a weight lifted. Everyone, exhale with me. Now I'm going to go out and love the heck out of everyone and am going to be stoked to live this gift of life that was entrusted to me. I hate to leave on that thought and not expound on what is next, or what all of this means... but, to be honest- the clarity that was given and this focussed picture gives me the craving that I fought to keep and that has so many fake imitations (like the emotional fire that fades after church camp when decisions are genuine) and that is to just LOVE. I feel like I wanna go out and be the personified version of like a pixie stick, or something like that that makes everyone happy and want something more (Jesus). I want to get rid of the sin, and live unapologetically excited for Jesus. I love that I'm not going to compare anything that I am with anything that anyone else is anymore. I didn't even realize that I was doing it pretty much all of the time before. ... I realize that I should be quoting scripture here. Bummer that I am currently at a loss. Good thing one of my new years resolutions is to memorize more scripture. The next posts will reflect that. I apologize if everything that I said sounds like a big fat mess, or if there are more grammatical errors than should be possible with spell check, or if I sound like a flighty basket case, but nothing matters because I can see the picture. The blurr is gone.
